Here is a journal entry I wrote on April 9th....I couldn't post it right away but think it is now time to...
I never thought I would be writing an entry like this. Things have gone terribly wrong. The parents came up on Thursday (April 7th) for the ultrasound to see their lil pumpkin. The last u/s showed a perfect lil baby..his heartbeat was 172..he was wiggling all over. Everything was perfect. We anticipated another perfect u/s. We weren't prepared for what we saw....there was no heartbeat. There were no indications on the u/s that anything went wrong. The u/s tech said sometimes something will pop-out at her, but nothing did. Everything looked perfect but the baby passed about a week ago. We were all in shock...how could this be? The parents drove 4 1/2 hrs to see their beautiful baby...how could this happen? I think we all felt so numb. My heart was breaking immediately for the parents. We spoke to the doctor and we all agreed a D&C Friday would be the best.
I didn't know what know what to say to the parents or what to do. I felt so horribly sorry and sad. I was supposed to carry their child for 9 months. In October I was supposed to deliver their miracle for them. I don't understand. I believed with all my heart that God brought us together for a very special reason. I was to be a part of their miracle...I felt so honored. I believed that God was watching over this lil one and his parents. Everything has been so perfect since the moment I met the parents. We all just felt it was meant to be. God was finally going to bless them. Why? Why must they go through any more heartache? Haven't they been through enough? Why can't they finally be blessed? They are such a beautiful couple, that they should be able to have a big happy family if that is what they want. And all they are asking for is one little miracle. Why must they continue to suffer? I know I shouldn't ask God why...but I just don't get it. I believed with all my heart that this was His will...this was His plan. I still believe and I will continue to believe that God will bless them, I'm just so sad that it isn't right now. And until the day I know they have their miracle, I will continue to believe and pray for that.
Fast forward to today.....
Well 3 1/2 months have gone by....we are still all very sad but we are all healing. Time heals all things....God heals all. I have to admit, I was quite angry with God. I haven't been to church since this all happened. Right afterwards it was because I was so hurt and in such disbelief I couldn't bring myself to go. In time I became less upset with God....and I do intend to get back into church but honestly, we have been extremely busy since summer started and havent been home on the weekend in along time. So, I do intend to get back into going soon. Although I will never understand why God does what He does, I have to believe that He has a plan for this beautiful couple and that they will be blessed someday. I keep thinking that someday they will be able to enjoy parenthood as much as I have...I pray for that everyday.
I do have wonderful news...we have decided to move forward. We are going to begin our 2nd journey...one that will hopefully end in a very happy ending. We have a transfer date of September 9th....I pray that this is going to be it...that they will be finally blessed with one...or 2 or 3 miracles!!! :) So hopefully late May, early June we will all have that happy ending we want so much. Please pray for us!!! I still have the Christmas card the parents sent to me sitting on my dresser...it is Mary with baby Jesus. And next to it I have the u/s pics of their baby. I know their little angel is with God and it will always make me feel sad when I think about him/her...but I do look forward to our future. I believe that although they now have 2 little angels in heaven, God is going to give them a child here on earth...the miracle they always wanted and they so deserve. Please God!!!