Friday, July 22, 2011

A Little Angel

Here is a journal entry I wrote on April 9th....I couldn't post it right away but think it is now time to...

4/09/11
I never thought I would be writing an entry like this. Things have gone terribly wrong. The parents came up on Thursday (April 7th) for the ultrasound to see their lil pumpkin. The last u/s showed a perfect lil baby..his heartbeat was 172..he was wiggling all over. Everything was perfect. We anticipated another perfect u/s. We weren't prepared for what we saw....there was no heartbeat. There were no indications on the u/s that anything went wrong. The u/s tech said sometimes something will pop-out at her, but nothing did. Everything looked perfect but the baby passed about a week ago. We were all in shock...how could this be? The parents drove 4 1/2 hrs to see their beautiful baby...how could this happen? I think we all felt so numb. My heart was breaking immediately for the parents. We spoke to the doctor and we all agreed a D&C Friday would be the best.
I didn't know what know what to say to the parents or what to do. I felt so horribly sorry and sad. I was supposed to carry their child for 9 months. In October I was supposed to deliver their  miracle for them. I don't understand. I believed with all my heart that God brought us together for a very special reason. I was to be a part of their miracle...I felt so honored. I believed that God was watching over this lil one and his parents. Everything has been so perfect since the moment I met the parents. We all just felt it was meant to be. God was finally going to bless them. Why? Why must they go through any more heartache? Haven't they been through enough? Why can't they finally be blessed? They are such a beautiful couple, that they should be able to have a big happy family if that is what they want. And all they are asking for is one little miracle. Why must they continue to suffer? I know I shouldn't ask God why...but I just don't get it. I believed with all my heart that this was His will...this was His plan. I still believe and I will continue to believe that God will bless them, I'm just so sad that it isn't right now. And until the day I know they have their miracle, I will continue to believe and pray for that.

Fast forward to today.....
Well 3 1/2 months have gone by....we are still all very sad but we are all healing. Time heals all things....God heals all. I have to admit, I was quite angry with God.  I haven't been to church since this all happened. Right afterwards it was because I was so hurt and in such disbelief I couldn't bring myself to go. In time I became less upset with God....and I do intend to get back into church but honestly, we  have been extremely busy since summer started and havent been home on the weekend in along time. So, I do intend to get back into going soon. Although I will never understand why God does what He does, I have to believe that He has a plan for this beautiful couple and that they will be blessed someday. I keep thinking that someday they will be able to enjoy parenthood as much as I have...I pray for that everyday.
I do have wonderful news...we have decided to move forward. We are going to begin our 2nd journey...one that will hopefully end in a very happy ending. We have a transfer date of September 9th....I pray that this is going to be it...that they will be finally blessed with one...or 2 or 3 miracles!!!    :)   So hopefully late May, early June we will all have that happy ending we want so much. Please pray for us!!!  I still have the Christmas card the parents sent to me sitting on my dresser...it is Mary with baby Jesus. And next to it I  have the u/s pics of their baby. I know their little angel is with God and it will always make me feel sad when I think about him/her...but I do look forward to our future. I believe that although they now have 2 little angels in heaven, God is going to give them a child here on earth...the miracle they always wanted and they so deserve. Please God!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

2nd Ultrasound!!

I can't believe yesterday was the 2nd ultrasound already! The baby is doing great.  His (her?) heartbeat was 173 and he was moving all over. That was so neat to see. I wasn't expecting to see much movement at this stage but he was wiggling all over...it was incredible :)  I can't wait to actually feel the movements!! He measured at 8wks 5 days which is perfect because we're actually 8wks 3 days as of yesterday. I will probably hear from the IVF Specialist today and most likely will be scheduling another ultrasound for 2 wks from now. I am really looking forward to that one because the parents will be coming up for that...I can not wait for them to see their lil pumpkin for the first time on ultrasound...I don't think there will be a dry eye in the room! I know they are so super excited about their  baby but the moment they see their lil one moving around it will become more of a reality. I know for myself it's so hard to believe sometimes that there really is a little life growing inside of me so I can not imagine how it must be for the parents.
By now I know I have told so many people about this journey and it's funny how everyone has the same question "Are  you gonna be ok giving the baby up?".  I do understand why they ask that, I think it's just natural to wonder that. But each time I hear that I kinda chuckle inside....I would NEVER give up my baby...but .this is not my baby!!!  I am merely taking care of someone else's baby for a short time. Just as at work I take care of someone else's child.....and when I used to babysit I took care of someone else's child....it is just temporary though. And yes, every child I have ever cared for I have loved in some way (yes, some I get more attached to than others)...but that's ok. It's ok to care for and love someone else's child. So, when I get asked that question "Are you gonna be ok giving the baby up?" it strikes me as a little weird. I'm not giving up a baby...it's not my baby...I'm just giving back a child that needed me to care for  him for a little bit. And yes, I will be ok :)  

Sunday, March 13, 2011

First Ultrasound!!

I have been wanting to post since Wed. night but unfortunately my internet service has been down...I've been going through internet withdrawal!!  Anyway, Wed. was our first ultrasound and we saw one beautiful baby with a perfect heart rate in the 120's. Thank you, Jesus!!! What a miracle!! To see that lil heart just beating away  made me cry. God is so good and to know that he has this lil life growing inside of me is just so surreal. T&J have been waiting so long for a child and have been through so much heartache that I am just so thrilled that they will finally be parents. And to think that God chose me to help with this miracle!! I can not express how that makes me feel. I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of this.
The IVF Specialist likes to do ultrasounds every 2 wks in the beginning....another reason to love this doctor!! So, I  am so lucky to be having another ultrasound in a wk and a half (at 8wks) and then another one at 10wks. And then around 11-12 wks the IVF specialist will release me to my OB. Which at that point I won't be having many more ultrasounds but then I have other things to look forward to...like feeling the baby kick which I am hoping will be around 14-15 wks (thats when I usually  start feeling movements).....then at 20 wks we should be having the detailed u/s to check all organs (and of course the sex!!). So...we have so many little milestones to look forward to. And as much as I enjoy being pregnant and don't want to rush this too much...I can not wait for the day T&J welcome their baby into this world. I  have a feeling the next 33 wks are going to go by pretty fast!!!  I know they are anxious to find out if it's a boy and girl..and so am I :) Of course, I keep thinking it's a boy... but I was wrong with all of my babies so we shall see about this one. I am usually good at predicting the sex of my friends babies so maybe I'll be right with this one:) 
Ok..well I have to run to go pick up my daughter..she went to her dads for the weekend. Will try to post soon. Please keep the prayers going that this lil one continues to get big and strong...thank you!!  :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

3 more days to go!!

So...in only 3 days we will know how many!!! I am so glad  my little ones have kept me so busy this week cause the week went by so fast.
Alex, my  3 yr old, has developmental speech apraxia. He receives speech therapy 3 times a week. Back in the fall one of his therapists referred him to an ENT because she was suspecting he has velopharyngeal insufficiency. In a nutshell, his soft palate does not close properly during speech therefore, he speaks very nasally. He had an eval done in the fall and went back for a follow up on Wed. He met with the speech therapist that specializes in this, then went for a videofluoroscopy. That was pretty cool..he thought he was "making his own movie" :)  After the test we met with a group of many different doctors and the recommendation was to go ahead with surgery. So we are looking at either April or May for surgery. We spent pretty much all of Wed at the hospital.
Friday, Alex and Aiden pretty much attacked Mikey (my 14 yr old step-son) when he got home from school. All three of them were on the floor being boys. I don't know why boys always have to be so physical!! Well, all of a sudden Mikey rolls over and starts crying. I'm thinking he's just playing around with the boys. A few minutes go by before I realized he wasn't joking. He rolled over and there was blood everywhere, coming out of his ear. Well, Aiden had a thermometer in his hand when they were wrestling and somehow managed to shove it in his ear. So...we took a trip to the ER. And luckily, after suctioning his ear out they were able to tell that the abrasion was to the side of his ear drum. That could have been so much worse, had it penetrated his ear drum!!
Liz, my 15 yr old, took off for Florida on Thursday with the  band and chorus. They performed at Univeral Studios on Friday and they will again tomorrow. So..I was left this weekend with a house full of boys. Us girls are always out-numbered but with her being gone it was 5 to 1 :(  It's not easy being around so much testosterone..can not wait for her to come home!!!
So..as you can see this week was a little busy...thank goodness. I am so looking forward to the ultrasound and am happy that I haven't had a lot of time to just sit and think about it. I know on Wed. this pregnancy will become more of a reality. I  have been feeling so good..other than extreme fatigue..that although I know that I am pregnant it isn't quite reality at times.  I had taken so many tests a few wks ago..and all of my betas were great...but still, when I see the lil heartbeat or two on Wed. that is when I will really BELIEVE!! With all of my pregnancies that is the moment that it is reality. I  mean, I know that God is with us through this journey...and I believe with all my heart that things are going to go well...but it is so hard to believe that there is a life (or two) growing inside of me and when I see them on ultrasound that will be the  moment when I know for sure they are with me!! And I know the tears will be rolling down my cheeks. I can not wait for that moment. This is such a miracle that I am allowed to be apart of and I am so grateful that God is allowing me to do this. I want so much for T& J to be parents....please, Lord...watch over their baby(ies) and let them grow big and strong!!!

Monday, February 28, 2011

One or Two????

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted. I have attempted several times to get on here and update but it seams something always prevents it.....sometimes it's my fatigue...sometimes its' the kids..... but glad I'm finally sitting here to fill ya in on the last week.
Things have been going wonderfully. Last Wed I went for my 2nd beta and was thrilled when I received a call from my IM to inform me it went from 252 to 641!!!  I was at the dentist with my kids and couldn't resist answering the phone when I saw who it was calling :)  All I kept thinking was...twins, twins..TWINS!!!!!!  I briefly filled in the dentist on this amazing journey we are on and she was in tears...and then I had to proceed to fill in a few other ladies there on our journey...everyone is so excited.
Friday was the 3rd beta and it was 1296..Yayy..another great number!! My progesterone has been running in the 70's and 80's...which is great. The IVF Specialist normally checks 4 to5 betas...however, the nurse told me on Friday that the doctor is very happy with all of my results and doesn't feel it is necessary to repeat the beta again. He said  the next step is an ultrasound...which is scheduled for March 9th. This is bitter-sweet. I am thrilled that my #'s are good enough that he doesn't feel we need to repeat it...BUT, I have been enjoying getting my betas done and watching them go up...and being reassured every 2 days that the baby(ies) are doing well. So now, we have to wait til the u/s. It is going to be so hard waiting til then!!!
Other than the fatigue and frequent peeing at night..I am feeling great. I know with my own pregnancies I was blessed to not have any morning sickness..or any complaints really. With 2 of my pregnancies I did have nausea for a few months but as long as I ate small meals frequently I was ok. I wasn't sure how this pregnancy would go..but so far so good. I know this is still early yet, but I so far I'm feeling great!!
Well I am hoping the next 9 days go by real fast. I can not wait to see how many lil pumpkins are in there. I  have been obsessing over reading about beta and progesterone levels and reading what other womens levels are...not that any of this will help me to know what we're having but it's so exciting reading about it and wondering what are chances of twins is. If I see one strong heartbeat in 9 days I will be crying my eyes out...I will be so overjoyed to see the lil miracle inside of me and to know that finally my IP's are going to be parents. But, if theres two...wow, I just can't imagine.  I know my IP's and I feel the same way, we will be so happy with one miracle, but two would be that much more amazing.
Well, my lil ones are needing mommy..gonna go make breakfast. For now, hoping the next 9 days go by fast..and praying these lil miracles are nice and safe in my womb.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

BETA #1

Yayyy...it is official...WE ARE PREGNANT!!!
I awoke yesterday to 6"of snow...normally I would be happy to see that, but all I could think about was that I HAVE to go the hospital for my BETA (quantitive HCG) and I was not going to allow that white stuff to get in the way of that!! I had planned on heading out early for that but the roads were horrible so I needed to wait til it cleared up. The morning was torture. I was so extremely nervous...and I was surprised by that. I wasn't the least bit nervous the day of the transfer (just very excited)....but yesterday I was so nervous!! When the roads finally cleared up I headed out and then had to wait for what seamed like an eternity to get the results. I couldn't think of anything but the test...having all 4 kids at home you think I would've been able to keep myself distracted but  nope...I could not focus on anything at all. Time seamed to stand still. My IM and I kept texting each other and were both so eager for the results. Then finally my IM called and had just received the result.............252!!!!!!!!!!  Thank you, Jesus!!! That is an awesome number!! I was on the phone with her jumping up and down....and all I kept saying was 252?? 252?? I just couldn't believe it..and I was so relieved to get such a great number. So, now our next question is: how many??  With that number it could be one or two. The doctor likes to repeat the BETA four or five times. The number needs to double about every 48hours..that is an indication of a healthy pregnancy. So..tomorrow I will be going for another BETA...and praying it at least doubles. Most likely in about 2 wks we will have an ultrasound..then we will find out how many decided to stick around:)
Last night by 6:00 I was exhausted..and had to fight to stay awake. I had every intention on getting on here and updating everyone but all I wanted to do was sleep. Alex (my 3 yr old) kept asking  me to give him a bath...normally I would  jump on that! He is the one that I usually have to fight to get into the tub..and here he was begging for a bath. I tried everything to distract  him and change his mind but  he had his  mind on taking a bath! Feeling guilty about this, I reluctantly gave him a bath...then was on the couch with both lil ones just shortly after 8:00. I can not believe  how tired I've been lately! I woke up several times to go pee but for the most part slept ok. I can't stop rubbing my belly and praying that these lil ones stay nice and safe in there til October.  Our due date is (unofficially) Oct. 31st....so T&J are going to have Halloween babies!! I can not wait til that glorious day when they welcome their babies into the world.  Until then, I am going to take care of them to the best of  my ability..and continue to pray. I know there are so many people praying for these lil pumpkins....and I know that God is awesome. I pray He lets them grow big and strong until they are ready to meet their parents. I am so happy that God put us (my IP's and I)  together..and is allowing us to be on this amazing journey together.  I look forward to the next 8 months.....what an awesome year this is going to be! Ok...well I'm gonna run...next BETA is tomorrow and I will try my hardest to update then :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Pos HPT :)

Thank you, Thank you...THANK YOU, LORD :)  
Yesterday I was extremely tired all day...about 8:30 I went to bed(which I never do) . I awoke at 11:30 to go pee (which I have been doing the last few nights..a good sign!!)...knowing that I would be POAS (peeing on a stick) in the morning I thought maybe I could just test now...it's almost morning (kinda). So I went ahead and.......saw a very faint positive line!! I was so excited...I started rubbing my belly and thanking my IP's babies for deciding to stay around....and of course thanked God a million times!!! Then I just stared at the stick for probably 10 minutes to make sure I was really seeing a pos line...it is real faint and I was so afraid my eyes were playing tricks on me!! After awhile I decided there definitely is 2 lines and I couldn't stay in the bathroom all  night  looking at the stick so I finally went back to bed. I just lie there for hours thinking of all kinds of happy baby thoughts for my IP's. My  husband woke up at some point and I was so happy to tell him that T&J are going to be parents :) Yayyyyy!!!  When my hubbie got up for work I prepared the PIO shot (progesterone in oil) for him to give me (as he has for a few wks now, and he's really good at it!)...then I couldn't wait to show him the stick. He confirmed there is 2 lines!!! I couldn't wait to Congratulate my IP's. They are so excited!!! I know that things will be more definite  next Monday when I have my first BETA done...but still, that little faint line is a sign that one or two lil ones decided to stay for a while!! I keep praying that God allows both of them to stay for at least 8 more months!! I can not wait for that day that they are able to finally hold the miracles they have been praying for and dreaming about for so long now :)  <3